


Endless Repetition

by Sesshin



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Will probably be other spoilers but the notes will be marked, civil war spoilers, first chapter follows Civil War for the most part, for now anyway, gratuitous use of the f word, long tag is long whoops, lots and lots of angst, no beta we die like men, no one is perfect here, slow burn sorta
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-09 16:01:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18920341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sesshin/pseuds/Sesshin
Summary: Tony and Steve never had a perfect, or flawless relationship, but that never stopped them from loving each other. Though as time goes on and things keep getting worse, will their relationship survive?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> -yells-
> 
> This was written in a quick fury so apologies for any errors. A lot of the dialog here is pulled straight from Civil War because it felt like a good place to jump start. I also swear, a lot, when I write, but it felt fitting. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Captain America: Civil War Spoilers ahoy!

“I lost everyone....and so will you.”

 

Tony wasn’t paying all too much attention to this mans...Zero right? Weird name, but to this man's story, focused on looking around the room, making sure he knew where every exit was. It wasn’t long before he heard the whir of a monitor flick on, drawing his attention. He saw Russian letters on the screen, as well as the worst year of his life plastered there, earning a deep frown from him.

 

_ ‘Just what is this man playing at?’ _

 

He mentally rolled his eyes as he heard Zero speak again, watching Steve step closer to the screen. He always managed to have such a striking profile, Tony never quite able to get over just how beautiful his lover was. Well, when he wasn’t in his stupid hat thing anyway. Running his eyes over Steve's features, he almost missed the next words from that coward behind the glass.

 

“An empire toppled by its enemies can rise again.”

 

Yeah well, not if Tony had anything to do with it. This whole ordeal just rubbed him the wrong way. He and Steve were still at odds over the accords, and it hurt him deeper than he initially let on. He couldn’t put how deeply cut he was by Steve's...well...betrayal as far as he was concerned. He didn’t care if it wasn’t fair, and he didn’t really care about the long haired edge lord that Steve seemed to constantly be fretting and fawning over. Tony never claimed to not be a jealous man, and was an even more jealous lover. It wasn’t the best trait about him, sure, but it was just a part of who he was. 

 

He was about to smart off when he heard Zero speak again, (Jesus, what was it with villains and monologuing anyway?)

 

“But one which crumbles from within?”   
  
Tony watched Steve's face snap over to the man behind the glass, a strange, and almost...frightened? Expression briefly flashing over his features, causing a strange fear to begin coiling in Tony's belly. He never liked being out of the loop, but something was definitely going on here. 

 

Could he be talking about the accords? Would word have traveled that fast that the Avengers were at odds with each other?

 

His frown deepened, keeping the repulsor blast in his hand primed and ready, when Zero spoke, AGAIN.

 

“That’s dead...Forever.”

Tony's eyes turned from Zero to Steve, who’d maneuvered his way in front of the screen, wearing a tight expression, and a pain in his eyes that Tony didn’t care for one bit. He was gonna make sure that Zero fucker paid for whatever-

 

He blinked a few times, looking between Steve and the screen as his brain slowly caught up with what he was seeing.

 

He knew that road. He’d seen that road all too many times in his dreams, and he let that be known, not liking how his heart rate spiked in confusion and fear.

 

“I know that road.” He stated, working to keep his breathing calm, before his head darted back up to that weasel behind the glass. Tony didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but the feeling in his gut just kept sinking as his mind began racing trying to piece together any form of explanation.

 

“What is this!?”

 

When he saw he wasn’t going to get an answer out of that fucker, he looked back at the screen, feeling his fingers start to tremble inside his gloves.

 

_ ‘What the fuck is happening!?’ _

 

He felt his body jolt and his stomach flip when the car, His Parents Car, come speeding into view, before slamming into the tree. It took everything in him not to scream, not to give that prick any sense or sign that this was getting to Tony, but he had a dark feeling that he wasn’t fooling anyone. What he wouldn’t give for Steve to just take him in his arms, pull Tony's face against his chest and tell him everything was going to be okay. It was always worthless platitude, but when it came from Steve it always calmed his nerves.

 

He stepped closer to the screen when he saw a motorcycle that wasn’t ever in any of the records of the crash. What the hell was happening? Who the hell was the person driving, and why were they there!? If they were there, then why didn’t they help?! Out of the corner of his eye he saw Steve look over to him, and had he had a clearer mind he’d have noticed that his breathing wasn’t the only ones whos had picked up.

 

Was it because Steve knew what was happening on the screen? He didn’t talk about it much, but it wasn’t like it was classified or anything.

 

Tony watched the man get off his bike and walk over to his father, who’d managed to crawl out of the car. The man had long, dark hair, and walked stiffly, almost like he couldn’t get his limbs to work right. His heart gave a pained clench when he heard his father beg whoever this stranger was to help his wife. The cold feeling in his stomach spiked with anger when he watched the bastard grab a fistful of his fathers hair, slowly craning his head back. Oh he didn’t know who that fucker was, but if he ever found out, he’d make sure they-

 

“Sergeant Barnes?”

 

For several seconds, everything in Tony's little world came to a screeching halt. He couldn’t blink, he couldn’t breathe, and he couldn’t seem to think. What did his father just say? Surely he had heard wrong, the video was a several years old, and didn’t look to be the greatest quality, but as time began to slowly resume again, the words he heard his father say began repeating in his skull until it consumed him.

 

Sergeant Barnes. Sergeant James Barnes. James Bu-fucking-channon Barnes.

 

_ Bucky. _

 

His brain barely registered hearing his mother call for his father as his head slowly craned to look at the other man to his side.

 

Standing beside him.

 

The man Steve had fought and nearly died for.

 

The man who was Steve's best fucking friend, and had been since the 30's.

 

Sergeant Barnes.

 

He saw Bucky's, no, Fuckers eyes dart up to him (He didn’t get a name anymore.), before Tony managed to turn back to watch what happened next on the screen. What else did he not know? What else happened? And what did Fucker have to do with any of this!?

 

With every punch that came, Tony felt a part of his mind fracture, his body going cold. No matter how much watching this was killing him slowly from the inside out, he couldn't look away. He imagined in the back of his head that this is what that old saying about not being able to look away from car accidents was about.

 

He heard his mother's voice again, a voice he’d never thought he’d get to hear again, crying out for his father as Fucker attacked him. It suddenly became too much, Tony squeezing his eyes shut as the dam keeping his emotions at bay began to slip.

 

No. No he was going to watch this. He was going to watch every time that...fucking vile human being (Was he even that anymore?) put his hands on a defenseless man. He wanted to know exactly what Fucker did, so he could know what he was going to do back to him, but oh so much worse.

 

He wasn’t aware he’d started shaking, his whole body slowly trembling as his eyes stayed glued to the screen, forcing himself to watch as the bastard dragged his father's...body, his father's corpse back into the car, manipulating him back into the seat.

 

_ ‘No doubt to make it look well and true like the accident everyone had thought it was.’ _ His brain supplied.

 

Tony felt his eyes widen as the cold pit of despair came back with a vengeance. While he and his father may have never seen eye to eye, he still loved the old man, but his mother…

 

He was going to have to watch his mother die.

 

He watched as Fucker slipped his hand inside the car, wrapping around her throat, his grainy, stupid, expression never even fucking changing. It was just a few, agonizing moments, before he watched as he stepped away from the car, moving over with calculated steps to the camera, before pulling out a gun (Tony couldn’t bring himself to focus enough to try and figure out what type) and pulled the trigger.

 

He was still for a moment, as his brain clicked everything back into place, before going to lunge for the son of a bitch who’d taken everything away from him, yet he felt an arm around his chest, stopping him as Steve called out.

 

“No! Tony!”

 

Did...did Steve just

 

_ try and stop him!? _

 

_ Of course  _ he fucking did. His parents murderer wasn’t just anyone no. It had to be the piece of shit that Steve loved more than anything else, sometimes maybe more than himself, Tony often found the nasty part of his brain supplying.

 

Tony turned to him, no doubt having a flash of emotions pass over his face, as he took several shaky breaths, devastation and raw hurt settling over his features while he forced himself to meet Steves pained blue gaze. It took him a moment to speak, his voice nowhere near as confident are steady as he’d have hoped.

 

“...Did you know?”

 

The hesitation in Steve's answer was louder than anything he could have shouted at him, his baby blues that Tony often got lost in darting across Tony's face, seemingly lost for words, before he responded.

 

“I didn’t know it was him.”

 

Bull-fucking-shit.

 

Tony felt the rage snap back to life, trying to jerk away from Steve's grip on him. While a week ago he loved nothing more than feeling the touch of Steve's hands, fingers, any part of him really on him, now he felt suffocated, and burning, as though Steve was a human torch.

 

“Don’t bullshit me Rogers!” He hissed out, expression hardening,

 

“Did. You. Know.”

 

While he never believed in god, any of them, he found himself desperately praying for what his brain and gut was telling him to be false, begging that for once in his life he was wrong. There was already a monstrous wedge between him and Steve, not only from the Accords, but from Bu- _ Fucker, _ as well. He couldn’t handle this. He needed Steve, he needed his rock, he needed-

 

He watched as Steve's expression tightened, his eyes getting glassy as he spoke the simple, one syllable word that destroyed what was left of Tony's already crumbling world.   
  
“Yes.”

 

He jerked away hard, eyes widening while his brain went into overdrive processing everything that had happened in the last 20 minutes.

 

Sergeant Barnes murdered his parents.

 

Steve was still, STILL, protecting him.

 

And quite possibly the worst of it all, Steve, knew.

 

He knew the entire time.

 

He knew when he brought Him into the Avengers lives. He knew when he rescued him. He knew when he wrapped Tony in his arms, showered him in praise and affection.

 

He knew when he told Tony he loved him.

 

The nihilistic side of him almost found this funny. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing Steve had ever said, good or bad mattered anymore.

 

Steve didn’t matter anymore.

 

Before he even knew what was happening, his body moved, his fist slamming into Steve's face with a violent intensity as his face plate pulled down over his face, sending Steve tumbling over the floor.

 

_ ‘Never let anyone in, never open in yourself up to others, because sooner or later, everything breaks.’ _

  
  


“YOU KNEW!?” He found himself roaring as he stomped towards Steve, who was pushing himself up on the ground, holding a hand out as he coughed, spitting some blood on the ground.

 

“Stand down Buck. I’ve got this.”

 

With a shout he kicked Steve hard, sending him flying back into the wall. His whole body was shaking again, breathing hard as he watched Steve slam back.   
  
“You don’t have SHIT Rogers!” Before turning to Fucker, who had the gall, the absolute audacity to have his gun trained on Tony. After everything that piece of walking garbage did, after ruining Tony's life…

 

“What are you gonna do!? You gonna kill me too!? You gonna murder me like you fucking murdered my family!?” He screams, voice cracking while his repulsors hum to life.

 

Bucky's eyes darted from Steve to Tony, no one having noticed that Zero had basically vanished, having succeeded after all in what he came to do.

 

“Steve?” He called out, only succeeded in pissing Tony off even more. He’d be impressed that that was even possible if he wasn’t seeing red.

 

“No! You don’t talk to him! You talk to me! You gonna shoot me!? You gonna be a big fucking man and take me down? Fucking do it then! You’re nothing more than a goddamn glorified toy soldier. Oh but wait, that wasn’t YOU.” He drawled sarcastically, venom dripping into his tone.

 

“No no, YOU must be innocent huh? Oh no, it's not YOUR fault is it? You got brainwashed! Y'know why? BECAUSE YOU’RE WEAK!” He shouted, stepping closer, repulsors heating further, while he watched his eyes dart to Steve again, who Tony heard pushing himself up. 

 

He didn’t bother sparing Steve a glance, his eyes trained intently on the brunette bastard in front of him.    
  
“Steve if you try to stop me again, I swear to every god there may or may not be-”

 

“Tony! It wasn’t his fault!”

Boy did he hate being interrupted.

 

“DON’T! Don’t you fucking stand back there and lie to me! I’ve had enough of your bullshit for a lifetime!’’

 

He heard Steve stepping closer, causing Tony to raise his left hand, aiming the heated up beam directly at him. While he knew some part of him, some weak, pathetic part of him that he should have drowned years ago, would ultimate regret hurting Steve, right now he didn’t care.

 

He didn’t care about anything, except making the man in front of him suffer.

 

“Do it.”

 

He heard Fucker say, earning a gasp from Steve behind Tony.

 

“Buck n-”

 

“Steve that’s enough.” Bucky said as he spoke again, slowly lowering his gun. He looked between Tony and Steve, flashing Steve a small sad smile.

 

“You can’t save me this time. It’s okay.”

 

Tony had heard enough of this shit. How dare he try and act righteous now. No. Tony wanted him begging and crying for his life.

 

He watched him slowly lower his gun to the ground, moving his hands in the universal sign of surrender. He didn’t even seem frightened or concerned that he was about to die horribly at Tonys hands.

 

“I won’t act like it wasn’t me in the video. It was. I was the one who murdered your parents, and yes, I remember it. I know you don’t care that I was brainwashed, and I can’t say I blame you. I wouldn’t care either if you’d been in my place.”

 

He paused to take breath, closing his eyes for a moment, before looking back up at Tony, an annoying peace on his face.

 

“Do what you have to Tony.”

 

No one moved for several minutes, hell, as far as Tony knew it could have been hours, the only sound in the room being the whirr from his suit, and he and Steve's breathing. He’d just gotten what was basically a golden pass at the man who’d wrecked his life. He wouldn’t try and stop him from getting his revenge. He might not be able to take as long torturing him as he’d have liked because he’d be fighting off Steve, but by the end of the day, it would be done.

 

...So why wasn’t he moving.

 

This was his chance. His one chance, that he knew he’d never get again. His chance to make everything right.

 

...Would it though? Would killing him do anything? It wouldn’t bring his parents back, it wouldn’t bring back any sense of normalcy to his life, and it wouldn’t undo the damage that had been done to Steve and his relationship.

 

The only thing it would do, was make him just like Barnes. Killing a defenseless man. That’s not something he wanted, and it's not something his mother would have wanted. He felt his eyes close, an exhaustion pouring, dousing over him like he was a raging inferno that’d finally been put out.

 

Slowly, Tony lowered his arm from Steve's direction, turning sharply on his heel as he went to head back out the way they’d come. His brain didn’t register the relieved sigh and footsteps from Steve as he no doubt ran towards Bucky. A mirthless smile found its way onto Tony's face.

 

They’d be perfect for each other, now that they had one more thing in common.

 

They both ruined his life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Siberia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waaah, and we're back! OvO Hope yall enjoy.

Everything hurt.

 

Not just physically either, considering the absolute  _ beating _ he’d been through recently, but everything. His mind, his heart, his soul. He felt like he was falling, and that there was nothing, no Earth, to catch him this time as he plummeted.

 

Sure, he’d been wrong about Barnes. He was a big enough man to admit that, admit that maybe he was a little too quick trying to do damage control before everything fell apart through his fingertips.

 

_ ‘Not like it didn’t happen anyway…’ _

 

God he hated his brain sometimes.

 

He inwardly groaned as he heard footsteps approaching. He didn’t want to deal with this, or anything really. He just needed to get to his chopper, down a shot or ten of scotch, and pass out until Friday woke him up once they cleared...whichever ocean Friday took him over to get back home, he didn’t care.

 

“Tony...Tony!”

 

_ ‘God, not now.’ _

 

He didn’t bother stopping, but kept his pace, hissing with every step as the pain started seeping in deeper into his bones. He was getting to old for this shit.

 

_ “Tony!” _

 

He felt his shoulder guard grabbed as Steve attempted to spin him around, only to be met with yet another hard hook to the jaw.

 

Or, well, it would’ve been had Steve not been anticipating it.

 

Bastard.

 

He easily caught Tony's fist, his big blue eyes scanning over Tony's blank expression, his free hand moving up to cup Tony's face. His voice was shaky and wet when he spoke.

 

“Tony, Tony please look at me. I can explain.”

 

Tony almost would’ve smiled at that worn out line, if he could bring himself able to feel anything other than exhaustion.

 

Steve tilted Tony's chin up, his hand, the hand that was beating the hell out of him not too long ago, still cupping his cheek. He felt the pad of Rogers thumb trace over his cheek out of habit, a move Steve had done so many times when Tony would wake up from a nightmare about Space, or aliens, or-

 

Or his mother.

 

His eyes hardened as he shoved at Steve's chest, gritting his teeth, whether from anger or residual pain the action caused, he wasn’t sure.

 

“Don’t. Don’t you  _ fucking _ DARE!”

 

He roared, taking a step back, eyes locked on Steve's pleading ones. That wasn’t gonna work this time. Steve wasn’t going to be able to beg Tony to do what he wanted, or flash those baby blues to win Tony over.

 

Not now, and not ever again.

 

“You kn-...I cannot fucking believe, you KNEW! When were you gonna tell me Rogers? Were you ever going to? Or were you just going to let me defend the son of a bitch who murdered my parents for the rest of my life!?”

 

His voice was shaking again, hot tears streaking his cheeks as he shouted, voice cracking. He watched as Steve took another step forward, Tony on impulse, maybe because his nerves were still hyped from their battle, raised his palm up, repulsor getting ready to fire. Blinking through the tears, he did his best to get control of his emotions again.

 

“Just. Don’t. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t  _ CARE _ that it wasn’t ‘really him’, because at the end of the day,  _ Cap, _ ” He spit the word out as though it were bitter on his tongue, earning him the flinch he’d hoped for from the man across him.

 

“He’s still the one who murdered them. In cold blood. You,” He paused for a humorless laugh that he had no doubt was some form of a defense mechanism or some such shit, 

 

“You should be  _ grateful _ , that im letting him leave this place in one piece.

 

“Tony that’s no-”

 

“SAVE...it, just, save it okay? I don’t...I cant…” He rattled off, feeling the annoying tight feeling in his throat that he hated almost as much as Barnes.

 

“We’re done here. You understand that? If I see so much as a goddamn glimpse of him, I’ll do what I should have already done. Do I make myself clear, Captain?” He ground out, staring hard at the man before him.

 

“I...Tony if you’ll just-” 

 

He’d give it to Steve, he was nothing if not persistent.

 

With a scream he fire his beam, sending Steve flying backwards, having managed to actually catch him off guard again. He didn’t bother checking to see where even landed as he turned, making his way back the way they’d come.

 

“Friday you got my chopper ready?”

 

He asked, pulling his mask back down.

 

“Of course boss.” Was her simple reply. He had no doubt that she knew this wasn’t the time for snark, or sass.

 

He barely registered the new King of Wakanda several dozen meters to his left, standing out amongst the white landscape. He didn’t care. Hell, maybe that guy would kill Barnes, then he wouldn’t have to worry about it.

 

With a loud groan, he clambered up into his chopper, settling himself into his chair as he let his head thunk back. The whir of the blades, deafening as they were, did nothing to stop the eruption in his mind. He could feel more tears slide down his cheeks as flashes of Steve, looking broken beyond words kept flashing before him. No matter how tightly he squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t stop the agony ripping his heart into pieces, or the way his tears gathered at his collar, never seeming to end. He couldn’t stop the emotions he’d spent so long trying to keep at bay.

 

So he stopped trying.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Some hours after he’d screamed himself hoarse, and cried himself out, he heard Fridays voice, calm and collected when she spoke.

 

“Boss…” We’re going to be landing soon…” She said softly in his ear, though regardless he found himself jerking awake. 

 

He rubbed at his crusty eyes, wincing at the bright sunrise coming in through the glass of the chopped. Once his vision was cleared, and he’d choked down an entire bottle of water, he nodded to Friday.   
  
“Alright. Take her down.”

 

He said nothing more until they landed, and went to step out, only to crumple to the ground in a heap. He heard footsteps running to him, as well as a concerned voice he could really do without right now. He held a hand out, shaking his head, before struggling to get back up to his feet.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

He didn’t need to see Natasha to know her eyes were rolling, which only seemed to piss him off more.   
  
“Tony you’re not-”

 

“Romanoff, im going to say this once, and only once. You take one more step, and so help me god.” He groaned as he finally stood to his full height, holding his side, as he began to walk around her.

 

“I don’t need you babying me. Now, move.” He bit out, not getting the hurt reaction he was hoping for this time as he walked around her.

 

“You  _ clearly _ need some-”

 

His head whipped back around so fast the world spun a little too much, though maybe that was the concussion. He held up a finger to her accusatory, eyes wide.

 

“Don’t...Don’t you of all fucking people, tell me what I need. Y’know what I needed Natasha? Since you’re so keen on sticking your nose in everyone's business. Are we sure that isn’t your superpower? Since that seems the only thing you seem to good at, other than, yknow, being a double spy. So how long huh? How long were you playing our team? Or, or, don’t tell me, are you trying to secretly play their team to try and fool me? Huh? I needed  _ you _ on my side! THAT is what I needed. So until you can fix that, get the hell out of my face.”

 

Now  _ that _ , got him the hurt he was wanting.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A full two weeks had passed before finally, thankfully, nothing hurt anymore. He’d spent the last of it working on an exo suit for Rhodey, determined to get him back up and moving before anything else. Now he was watching carefully as Rhodes made his way to him, using the parallel bars to help keep himself up, feeling a sharp pain in his heart for every extra moment it took him to move. No matter what anyone told him, or tried to convince him of otherwise, he knew deep down this was all his fault. He also knew, that he couldn’t let Rhodey know he blamed himself, and was constantly on the verge of falling all over himself apologizing, that Rhodes would try and send him to a shrink. So he forced a smile, walking backwards in front of him, looking him and his new exo legs over as he spoke.

 

“Give me some feedback, anything you can think of. Shock absorption, Lateral movement. Cup holder?” He added, waggling his eyebrows with a smirk.

 

Rhodey snorted, shaking his head, though he couldn’t hide his smile as he took a few more steps. 

 

“You may want to think about some AC down in-” waas all he managed to get out before his upper body moved ahead of his legs, sending crashing down to the floor in a metallic heap.

 

Tony scrambled to catch him, before attempted to pull him back up to his feet, only to be swatted a few times.

 

“No.” He breathed out, wincing at the pressure the fall had put on his wrist. “Don’t help me.” He grit out, forcing his legs to roll himself over.

 

Tony watched him, watched the grimace gradually morph from pain, to upset, to a mournful acceptance, before Rhodey spoke again.

 

“138.” Earning an eyebrow raise from Tony, though he let the man continue.

 

“138 combat missions. That’s how many times I’ve flown Tony. Every one of them could’ve been my last, but I flew them...Because the fight needed to be fought.” He paused with a sigh.

 

“It’s the same with these Accords. I signed, because it was the right thing to do.”

 

God Tony wish he felt as confident about this as Rhodey sounded.

 

“And yeah...this sucks, this uh…” He swallowed, eyes staring down at the metal encasing his legs.

 

“This is a bad beat. But it hasn’t changed my mind.” He said firmly, looking up at Tony, who hadn’t moved since his fall.

 

“...i don’t think.” He added, with a small smile, as Tony held his hand out to him, helping him up off of the ground.

 

Rhodey deserved so much better than this.

They both jolted when they heard a knock from the glass doors, looking between the two before back to the strange little old man holding a Fedex box.

 

“Are you Tony Stank?”

 

Tony immediately deadpanned as Rhodey spoke from behind him, 

 

“Yes! This is Tony  _ Stank _ . You’re in the right place. Thank you for that.” He shouted over Tony with barely contained laughter, as he clapped him on the shoulder.

 

“ _ Never _ , dropping that by the way. ‘Table for one, Mr. Stank! Please, by the bathroom.’ “ He mimed over, finally drawing a peal of laughter from Tony as Rhodey shambled back over to the parallel poles.

 

After thanking the man, and blatantly ignoring the comment about how he mustve done something awful in a past life to get such a crummy name, he took the package inside, setting it on the table. He looked it over a few times, finding no return address, causing him to frown.

 

“Friday, scan the package, just in case.”

 

“Worried about a bomb boss? Or maybe more of those horrible sweets you got from your ‘biggest fan’ Barbara again?” She teased, drawing a shudder out of Tony.

 

Whoevers bright idea it was to make chocolate anuses really needed some therapy.

 

When the scan came back clear, he nodded, picking and pulling at the tape that rapidly began annoying the daylights out of him, before he managed to peel it off. Shaking the package a few times, he sniffed the inside, thankfully smelling no food of any kind, as he tipped it over, emptying the boxes contents. Out slide a letter, and…

 

_ ‘Good god, is that a flip phone!?’ _

 

He stared at the ancient relic, before his attention was redirected back to the letter, his blood running cold as he looked over the handwriting on it. He hoped and prayed that whoever had sent this just had similar handwriting to Steve's, because he really didn’t want to deal with this right now.

 

Yet despite that, he found himself carefully slicing the envelope open with a letter open he pulled from one of his many pockets, sitting down as his his eyes began scanning over the words.

 

“Tony…” The letter began, still in the same all too familiar handwriting,

 

“I’m glad you’re back at the compound. I didn’t like the idea of you rattling around your mansion all by yourself.” He could almost see the smile in Steve's voice when he was writing that.

 

“We all need family.” Was the next line, forcing him to set the letter down and close his eyes. He must really be a glutton for punishment, as he knew he was going to keep reading, no matter how much it hurt.

 

After taking a few deep breaths, and scrubbing a hand over his cheek (god he really needed to trim), he opened his eyes and continued reading.

 

“The Avengers are yours. Maybe more so than they ever were mine. Before I met you, I’d been on my own since I was 18. I never really fit in anywhere, not even in the Army, until you gave me a home.”

 

There were a few scribbled out lines that Tony couldn’t really make out, at least not without carefully analyzing them, before the letter continued again, the handwriting a bit shakier this time.

 

“I...I know I hurt you Tony. I guess by not telling you about your parents, I thought I was sparing you.” Tony couldn’t help but roll his eyes in exasperation at that, before continuing.

 

“...but now I can see that I was really just sparing myself. And...I’m sorry. I don’t, ever expect you to forgive me, and maybe you shouldn’t, I don’t know. I wish, we could’ve come to a compromise on the Accords, one that ended in any way other than this. I know you were just doing what you believed in, and really, that’s all any of us can do, all any of us  _ should _ do.”

 

He paused in his reading as Fridays voice cut through,

 

“Priority call from Secretary Ross. There’s been a security breach at the Raft prison.”

 

Tony couldn’t help but smile softly at that. While there’s nothing he could do about the Avengers that had been locked up, he took solace in the fact that at least Steve could. That was probably the only silver lining to this whole shitshow.

 

He sighed heavily before nodd, as he turned to his phone.

 

“Yeah g’head, put him through.”

 

“Tony! We have a problem!” Came the annoying and demanding tone of the biggest pain in his ass, causing Tony to smirk.

 

“Uh, please hold.” he said cheerily, finger hovering over the hold button, as Ross nearly screeched at him.

“No! Don’t you da-”

 

_ Click _

 

Oh that never got any less fun. He turned back in his chair, grabbing the letter while his eyes canned over to see where he’d left off.

 

“...So, no matter what, i promise you...that if you need me, any of us, we’ll be there, no matter what.”

 

Beneath that was the flawless signature of Steve, as well as Wanda's cursive scrawl, Sams chicken scratch, that...one guys signature that he couldn’t even really make out, and Clints blocky name with a crude drawing of a middle finger that Steve clearly tried to scratch out. 

 

Tony felt himself smiling despite himself, relief washing over him as he knew at the very least they were safe. He could deal with them being pissed to hell and back at him, but they weren’t imprisoned anymore. He supposed he could live with that.

 

Beneath the signatures however, he saw a p.s that wiped the smile off his face, reigniting a pain in his heart that he thought he’d finally gotten under control.

 

“I just wanted you to know, that no matter how much you may hate me right now, and I know you never want to see me again, and I understand. I wanted to tell you in Siberia, but I couldn’t get my brain and my mouth to cooperate.”

 

“I hope that one day we can at least become friends again. I just...I needed to tell you again, in case this is the last time we ever talk.”

 

“I love you Tony Stark-Rogers, and I always will.”

 

Tony felt his heart shatter into a million pieces all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP
> 
> So there's that. ;w; Hope yall enjoy'd, and here's to hoping I can churn out another chap before long.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's got to get worse, before it gets better.
> 
> TW: Alcohol mention, vomit mention, lots of emotion in general

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OvO And we're back! Poor Tony ;v;

_ The wedding had been beautiful.  _

 

_ Tony for all his glitz and glamour, and just overall pretentiousness, hadn’t really wanted a big wedding. Well, maybe still big, but not stupid fancy like everyone thought he’d have wanted. For it being a Stark affair, overall, it was pretty simple, at least he thought so anyway. _

 

_ When news had gotten out about Steve's proposal, it wasn’t long before the whole world knew. It was 2013, so reception to the news was overwhelmingly positive, despite the few groups here and there that never seemed to be satisfied with anything, but no one that mattered cared about that. Gay marriage had been legalized in New York since the early 2000s, with Tony having been the one at the helm pushing that, even before he was Iron Man. He’d never understood the hangups some people had about what people did with others so long as everyone was adults and there was explicit consent. He wasn’t sure he ever would. _

 

_ Tony and Steve had gone round and round about who would be the one paying, Steve seeming to ignore the fact that his soon to be husband was quite possibly the richest man in the world. _

 

_ “You realize I can literally pay for everything for us, give us the best, and longest honeymoon, and not make a  _ **_dent_ ** _ in my fortune right?” He’d asked incredulously, unable to keep the dopey grin off his face that had been there since Steve had popped the big question. _

 

_ Steve just chuckled softly, a light and airy sound that always struck Tony right to his core. He loved this big stupid man so much that it made his heart hurt sometimes. He managed to chase away most of the demons that were a constant plague to Tony, and those he couldn’t he held steadfast to him while Tony battled through them. _

 

_ “Tony it’s not about if you can or can’t pay. You shouldn’t have to. You’ve done enough for me, and I want to be able to do this for you.” He’d said, gently cupping Tony's face, his smile just growing when the brunette leaned into his touch. _

 

_ “You’re too good to me Rogers, y’know that right?” _

 

_ “That’s soon to be Stark-Rogers to you mister.” _

 

Tony's body lurched to the side, gripping the nightstand as his stomach rebelled against the copious amount of alcohol he’d ingested the night before. His body heaved again as he was barely able to keep down the bile before staggering to the bathroom. The whole world spun and didn’t stop until he was dry heaving, face slumped against the seat of the toilet.

 

“F...Fri…”

 

Was all his parched throat and cottonmouth was able to get out, squeezing his eyes shut at how loud he sounded to himself, even though he’d said little more than a whisper. Fridays tone from above was exponentially worse when she spoke back, though somewhere in the back of his mind he knew she was doing her best to speak softly.

 

“Coffee is being prepared. Mrs. Rhodes will be up shortly with it, water, and aspirin boss.”

 

He didn’t bother moving, solely focusing on trying to remember to breathe, the world only starting to slow down when he heard a soft sigh from the doorway. He didn’t need to open his eyes to see the look of either disappointment, concern, or hell, both, on Peppers face as she walked over to him, the clack-clack of her heels feeling like a constant icepick to his brain.

 

“Oh Tony...C’mon, let's get you cleaned up.” Her tone was soft as she carefully maneuvered him away from the toilet, resting him against the bathtub as she flushed the toilet for him, grabbing some toothpaste tabs for him. 

 

“I need you to eat this for me kay? It'll help with the cottonmouth.” She spoke gently, pressing the tab to his mouth, helping him bring the glass of water to his cracked lips.

 

Once the tab was well and dissolved and he no longer felt like his mouth reeked of death, he cracked open his crusty, puffy eyes and looked up at her.

 

“P...Pepp, im so-”

 

She frowned deeply, shaking her head, before speaking.

 

“Sweetheart don’t apologize, it’s okay, I promise. Do you think you can get your clothes off for me while I get your bath ready? It’s gonna be real loud, but I can’t do much about that.” She said apologetically, wincing as she stood up, the bump in her stomach further sinking Tony deeper into his depression.

 

Pepper and Rhodey had gotten married just a few years before he and Steve had gotten engaged, and he couldn’t be happier for her, for them both really. She and Tony had never worked out, for one reason or another, and he found himself immensely happy for once that they weren’t together so she wouldn’t have to deal with this shit more than she already had to. She deserved so much better than picking up the pieces of Tony that Steve had left behind.

 

It took him almost 5 full minutes before he was able to peel off his sweat drenched tanktop and pajama bottoms, his breath hitching as a sob threatened to let itself be known.

 

“Pepper...I...God, i’m sorry. I tried. Please believe me, I tried!” He croaked out, tears spilling over as he slumped forward, forehead resting on the cold tile of the floor.

 

He felt himself be pulled into her lap, running her fingers through his hair as she quietly cooed at him.

“I know you did honey, it’s okay. This is just a little relapse. You’re gonna be okay. Let's get you cleaned up yeah?”

 

He nodded after a moment, swallowing down a few sobs, unable to catch the hiccup that escaped as he let himself be manhandled into the tub, groaning at the perfect temperature of the water. 

 

Pepper was too good to him. In another life, another timeline, he could see himself settling down with her, having a family, but he’d never try and take the happiness she’d found with Rhodey away from her.

 

“How-” He choked a bit, his throat still raw and not wanting to cooperate. She handed him the water again, worrying her lip between her teeth while she watched him take careful sips, spilling just a little from the tremor in his hands.

 

“How far along?” He finally managed to ask, handing over the half drained cup, settling against the sloped back of the bath.

 

His heart fluttered a bit at the smile that lit up her face, when she looked down at her stomach, setting a hand there, before looking back up at him.

 

“Just a few months, maybe 4 or 5 now. We’re gonna able to find out the gender soon!”

 

Tony couldn’t help the small smile, her enthusiasm infectious.

 

“Y’got any names yet?”

 

Her smile grew impossibly bigger, looking like a damned ray of sunshine when she spoke.

 

“Mhm. A few actually. If they’re a boy, we’re thinking Marcus, and for a girl we’re thinking Morgan, though honestly Morgan would work for either gender.” She hummed as she finished, grabbing a washrag to pass to him, as well as a bottle of soap.

 

Tony nodded, rasping out a chuckle while he cleaned off his face.

 

“Morgan sounds nice.” Before splashing water over his soapy face, sighing at the relief of it all.

 

There was a strip of silence as Pepper stayed close beside him, occasionally handing him things he’d need, including the aspirin and still near boiling coffee that he instantly choked down, his throat well used to the burn of it by now.

 

Pepper was quieter when she spoke next, eyes darting over his face as she thought about her words.

“So...you don’t have to of course, but do you wanna talk about what brought last night on?” She asked, setting a hand on his shoulder, idly washing off the soap that was there while he sighed heavily, closing his eyes.

 

“Yesterday was our anniversary Pepp.”

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


_ “Tony if you don’t stop messing with your tie, I am going to strangle you with it.”  _

 

_ Natasha had hissed at him, fixing it for the fourth time in the past hour. It was almost funny, and absolutely adorable seeing the normally calm and collected (At least on the surface, anyone who actually knew Tony, knew he was never either of those things) so frazzled. _

 

_ “I can’t help it! I just know something's going to go wrong! What if I forget my vows, or Steve decides I’m too much of a trainwreck, or Harvey drops the ring-” _

 

_ Tony was cut off as Natasha grabbed his face, shaking him just a bit, unable to keep the little grin off her painted up face. _

 

_ “Tony. Relax. Breathe. You went over your vows with me, Pepper, and Rhodey about a dozen and a half times each. For God sakes you had us quiz you on them! And Steve loves you, you know that.” She finished softly, smoothing out the absent wrinkles on his shoulders. _

 

_ “Everything's going to go perfectly. Have I ever steered you wrong?” _

 

_ She just laughed the moment he went to argue her over that. _

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“O-Oh, God Tony, I’m so sorry. I should’ve known, we should’ve been there for you.” She gasped out, a mixed look of horror and shock coming over her face only serving to cause Tony to sink deeper into his tub. Maybe he could drown himself in this, not that Pepp would let him. He shook his head, rubbing his fingers over his eyes.

 

“No, no, Pepp. I wouldn’t have wanted you to see...that” He paused, making a show of waving his hand about, “It’s bad enough that you’re still having to do damage control over this. Thank God Rhodey isn’t the jealous type or I think I’d be a deadman.” He finished with a wheeze that he thought might’ve tried to be a laugh.

 

Pepper did laugh, shaking her head. “He tried to fight me on coming up here, but not for any reason you might think. When Fri told us you were awake and losing your dinner, he tried to beat me up here. We all love you Tony, tell me you know that.” She asked, scratching her fingers over his scalp in a way she knew always calmed him down.

 

He nodded again, leaning into her touch.

 

“I know Pepp, I know. Either that or you’re all just massive gluttons for punishment.” 

 

Pepper snorted, shaking her head as she stood to grab him a towel. 

 

“Maybe both, I dunno, but c’mon, we gotta get some food in you. James has eggs and bacon cooking, said he’d make ‘em just how you liked.” She chuckled, handing the towel over as he stood up, not even bothering to attempt to care about his nudity. Pepper had seen it all before anyway. Tony groaned at the egg comment, his stomach rolling in protest at the lack of food he’d had over...well the past week. Remembering to eat was hard when all you wanted to do was crawl in a hole.

 

“God that means they’re gonna be salty as fuck.”

 

Pepper just laughed.

 

After dressing in some thankfully clean and soft clothes, Tony followed Pepper as she led him down to the kitchen, stomach jumping again when he finally smelled the food.

 

“Oh god Rhodey, Pepp I might steal him if the food he cooks always smells this good.” He said, sliding into the barstool, ignoring how Rhodey waved the spatula in his general direction.

 

“Oh Tone, You know you’re way too sassy for me. I’d end up strangling you in the first week.” Causing Tony to actually laugh, both Rhodes smiling at the sound that was far too often unheard lately.

 

“Y’know that’s fair. Besides, I’d probably screech your ear off about the positively  _ awful _ television you watch.” Earning him another wave of the spatula.

 

“Hey! The Price Is Right is the  _ best _ show! It’s not my fault you’re just ignorant of what normal people things cost nowadays Mr. Billionaire.”

 

“Boys, Boys, shush, you’re both terrible.” earning an eye roll from them both, Tony distracting himself with another scorching cup of coffee while Rhodey kissed his wife's cheek, working to ignore the pang that sent through him. He wasn’t jealous, not in the traditional sense anyway, he just missed having someone,  _ anyone _ , to share moments like that with.

 

Steve had been in Wakanda for about 4 months now, and while everyone kept telling him it would get easier, he was seriously beginning to have doubts about that. And while he’d only gotten black out drunk on one other occasion since then (When Pepper idly broached the topic of considering divorce papers) the urge to keep drowning his feelings never got any easier to deal with. 

 

He must’ve been spacing out, because he jerked, spilling coffee over his hand when Rhodey set the plate down in front of him, earning him a sympathetic smile from his long time friend.

 

“So, Pepp and I are gonna take a little trip later today. She wants to go see some museums or something nerds like you two enjoy.” He ignored the light smack she gave his arm for that, trying to seek out Tony's eyes as he continued.

 

“We were wonderin’ if you’d wanna go with us? Maybe get out of the compound?”

 

Tony sagged forward, poking at a sausage link before shaking his head and forcing a smile.

 

“What and be a third wheel to you two love birds? Nah, I think i’ll just stick around here, maybe...work on somethin’ or another.”

 

He did his best to ignore the concern on Rhodeys face as he made himself eat, knowing that not only would it be rude not to, it’d just make that expression worse. Seemed that was inevitable, because Rhodey just sighed.

 

“Tony…” His tone was quiet, taking on an inflection he knew all too well from their time together.

“Tony, we’re worried about you. You hardly eat, and when you do, it usually ends up getting thrown back up, and I swear you have more alcohol in your body than you do blood at this point. You haven’t been this bad since-”

 

If Tony set his coffee cup down a little too forceful, he didn’t notice or care, his voice shaking when he finally looked up at Rhodey.

 

“Don’t. Just. Don’t. I’m fi-”

 

It was Rhodeys turn to be upset, face shifting to agitation. Good. Tony could handle that a hell of a lot better.

 

“Don’t  _ you _ just sit there and tell me you’re fine. You can fool a lot of people Tony, but you can’t fool me. I  _ know _ you. I know you better than anyone else on this whole damn planet, and better than He ever did.” Earning a slight flinch from Tony, before Rhodey pinched the bridge of his nose, forcing himself to calm down before he started yelling. It was Pepper who spoke up this time, her eyes shining with tears that just made Tony feel even lower, not that he thought that was possible at this point.

 

“Tony...please. You don’t have to go with us, but you’ve got to do  _ something _ . Talk to someone, get out of the house, I don’t know!” Her voice was raising as tears started to fall, Tony no longer able to look at her, casting his eyes back to his food that he longer felt he would be able to stomach.

 

“Tony...I...I’m scared. I’m so goddamn scared that i’m gonna get a call that you’ve finally drank too much. That Friday is gonna call and te-tell me tha-at-” She held her face in her hands, Rhodey pulling her to his chest while she broke down. Tony couldn’t stop his own traitorous tears that fell, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. 

  
  


“I’ve got a therapist you can talk to. If you won’t do it for yourself. Do it for us. Please.” He heard Rhodey beg, cutting him even deeper as he just gave a stiff nod. 

 

“Promise me man.”

 

“I...I promise.”

 

Everything was falling apart, and it was all his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> QVQ Hope yall enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> -yells again-
> 
> Hope that was alright. I'm notoriously unreliable when it comes to regularly updating, but hopefully this one wont fizzle out. See you next time!


End file.
